letting it go

worrying about uneccesary concerns, wants, and needs:
past
future
present
dog
coke
trust
love
insecurity
chris
money


life?

unclear.


letting it go.

Here we go again.

So recently I have been having weird insecure feelings again..feelings of distrust, annoyance, depression, and a little bit of emptyness. I am not sure where it has been coming from which has been making me get even more "weird" and upset because I'm trying so hard to figure it out.
I had mentioned one day that I used to write out how I felt, and that in doing so it made it really easy for me to figure out what it ACTUALLY is that is bothering and notice that everything else I'm thinking about are silly and insignificant.
Mostly I feel like I am just afraid of things changing, for the good, or for the bad.
I have come to a point to where I finally am letting down my guard fully and accepting everything that is in front of me, and in turn it's freaking me out. Like REALLY freaking me out, and bottom line I just want to ever feel again the way I have felt before when losing a relationship.
That being said...I can only control my own actions and my own feelings.
Everything is perfect with him...he gives me everything I could ever imagined having in a companion, not only at the current time but also in the future. We talk about our lives together, what we want, and how we want to achieve things. It's great- He is amazing.
I don't want to lose him.
I think lately I have just been racking my brain with ways that things COULD be going wrong, and not with things that are ACTUALLY going wrong and I just completely worry myself to death.
I have been reading into little things and assuming meanings about words and actions that don't actually exist. And then I become afraid that in being that way I am have been, I'm going to push him away. Which brings me back full circle to what i'm ultimately afraid of- losing him.
What I need to do is let it go-- not him, but just the idea of me losing him. Because two things will happen- I wont enjoy any of the time we are ACTUALLY having together and I know eventually it will just be too much for him as well. It's almost as if I am making my fear come to reality. Which just is ridiculous and shows that as much as I think that sometimes I dont, I actually do have control.
He mentioned how he missed "confident" max and wanted to stop talking about feelings all the time haha which is good- and it was a good reminder to just let it go and keep moving forward. Whatever happens will happen...I have faith in us together, and I know he is the person I want to be with forever. I know that this time is different than any other time, and HE is different than any other person. Nothing will be the same as it was in the past.

That alone...is great!

thats all for now.

Clarity:Goals:Humans

I've been feeling down about myself lately- unclear as to why- but something I have been missing, and I've just realized it, is that I haven't set any goals lately.

First off a couple of past goals that I HAVE met are:
-Moving out of my parents house
-Dancing/Performing
-Paying off some debts

...so only a few, but I figured it's time to get excited about some new things again.


Lets see:

I'm really anxious to actually be taking more yoga classes. I love a specific studio here in town, and it's close to my apartment. I also really enjoy going to my gym.
so being more active is important, but specifically for a goal, I think I will declare that
I will attend yoga classes at least once a week and have a workout at my gym once a week.
(I already dance 4 days a week minimum, so I consider this goal more for personal  gain rather than health...even though it fills both areas)


Something else that is always on my mind and that I want to work through is my finances & work stability.
I dance professionally in a company, but I also teach dance and yoga. It's probably one of the most financially unstable professions out there, but It's what I love, and I have made the choice to follow my love than to follow what I can makes me the most money. (for now at least). So a goal I'm going to set is to go a whole year where I have a job or gig that pays me money so that I am always bringing something in. No more freebies, no more breaks in paychecks or pay periods and no more 'unemployment'.  BAM

I think for now those two are good- and they excite me and deal with what's been on mind most recently.

YAY FOR 2013

…on a side note--- a friend posted this today and I really want to share with everyone that wants to read it.

"Your flaws single you out, set you apart, make you different from the rest, and thank god. I don't just accept your blemishes, I like them. I like them because they make you human, and humans are easier to love than photographs and illusions and ideals; humans fit more easily between arms and between legs; humans are welcome to their imperfections because if there's one thing humans can do perfectly, it's love. Humans can love, they can do it flawlessly."

peace and love

Standing Room Only

Frank the Fixer...more like MAX the fixer.

Once again, I've come to realize where I stand. Why do I always want to fix people? It's not my job nor is it my responsibility, and most importantly it doesn't make me any better of a person.
I see the greatness in people and I just want so badly for them to realize it themselves. I'm a dreamer and I like to see what COULD be and what POTENTIALLY can happen and dream about it, create stories around it, and try so hardly to make it my reality. I don't necesarry think that is a bad quality, but if the people around me can't keep up with that, it leaves all actions taken from those thoughts to be one sided. And having only one side, doesn't leave much space for growth.

I want everyone to be happy, I want them to love their own life, and I want them to do what makes them feel great.

Maybe I should stop focusing my efforts on other's lives, and keep my mind on my own. ??

Hmmm
what fun is that ;-)

Getting nowhere, fast!

It's been over a month again since I have written in this...so I'm not sure where to actually start.

I guess the biggest event that has happened though was going to NYC for a few weeks to work for a summer program that I have done now for 4 years. Its always a great time, but this year was exceptionally great. I'm not sure if it was because of the change in my role for the camp, or just me as a person being in such a different 'place', but I just really enjoyed my time in the city more than I ever have before. In fact, if it wasn't for the commitment I have already signed myself to for the next year dancing here in houston, I more than likely would have moved back up there. Secure job, a place to live, great friends, its all set.
Also, what was even MORE weird was the fact that I was actually ok with that thought. It didn't freak me out or anything.
This year is going to be amazing though, being here and dancing every week is just going to be exactly what I need and what is right for me right now. NYC will always be there and If I come to place in time where I don't have the commitments I do now, then I know I can always go back.
All in all though, I surprisingly had a great couple weeks.

Something that has been on mind lately is the fear of loss. I'm constantly battling in my brain the fear that people are going to leave against the thought of NOT letting that fear run me down. It's almost as if I feel I have to continue showing everyone around me that they should want me around, but in doing so it holds me back from truly enjoying every experience that I encounter. And it's just so strange because it's completely a new feeling for me. I have an idea of where it came from, but when I think of that, it's just an excuse. I'm completely at fault for creating this in my own mind, yet I seem to get stuck in it. But maybe being 'stuck' is my own creation as well? Sometimes I feel (and this is deep, so get ready) that I get SO LOST in longing for this love and companionship from another single human that I pretend I don't already have from all the people that are ACTUALLY in my life...
what the hell is wrong with me haha

Oh man-- I wear myself out!! and worrying about ALL of this, is getting me nowhere, fast

Here are some things I want to happen soon:
move out of my parents house
pay off another debt


Also- some big decision, slightly random, and maybe it's not a decision but more a distinct and solid thought, was that I really told myself and others (out loud) that I want kids. Obviously not now-- and not anytime in the next couple years, but definitely soon thereafter. I had never really shared that so firmly before. I want to adopt- there are too many children that need homes for me not to. Regardless if Im single or partnered...I am GOING to do this! :-)

Ok well, thats all. I'm exhausted-- still catching up on missed sleep from my NY trip.

peace and love

D.C.

So I was D.C. a little over a week ago and I wanted to share some of the photos I took. (the good ones)

Weatherman

Have you ever stayed up till 5 in the morning watching a storm, hearing the rain, and listening to good music??

I did :-)