Getting nowhere, fast!

It's been over a month again since I have written in this...so I'm not sure where to actually start.

I guess the biggest event that has happened though was going to NYC for a few weeks to work for a summer program that I have done now for 4 years. Its always a great time, but this year was exceptionally great. I'm not sure if it was because of the change in my role for the camp, or just me as a person being in such a different 'place', but I just really enjoyed my time in the city more than I ever have before. In fact, if it wasn't for the commitment I have already signed myself to for the next year dancing here in houston, I more than likely would have moved back up there. Secure job, a place to live, great friends, its all set.
Also, what was even MORE weird was the fact that I was actually ok with that thought. It didn't freak me out or anything.
This year is going to be amazing though, being here and dancing every week is just going to be exactly what I need and what is right for me right now. NYC will always be there and If I come to place in time where I don't have the commitments I do now, then I know I can always go back.
All in all though, I surprisingly had a great couple weeks.

Something that has been on mind lately is the fear of loss. I'm constantly battling in my brain the fear that people are going to leave against the thought of NOT letting that fear run me down. It's almost as if I feel I have to continue showing everyone around me that they should want me around, but in doing so it holds me back from truly enjoying every experience that I encounter. And it's just so strange because it's completely a new feeling for me. I have an idea of where it came from, but when I think of that, it's just an excuse. I'm completely at fault for creating this in my own mind, yet I seem to get stuck in it. But maybe being 'stuck' is my own creation as well? Sometimes I feel (and this is deep, so get ready) that I get SO LOST in longing for this love and companionship from another single human that I pretend I don't already have from all the people that are ACTUALLY in my life...
what the hell is wrong with me haha

Oh man-- I wear myself out!! and worrying about ALL of this, is getting me nowhere, fast

Here are some things I want to happen soon:
move out of my parents house
pay off another debt


Also- some big decision, slightly random, and maybe it's not a decision but more a distinct and solid thought, was that I really told myself and others (out loud) that I want kids. Obviously not now-- and not anytime in the next couple years, but definitely soon thereafter. I had never really shared that so firmly before. I want to adopt- there are too many children that need homes for me not to. Regardless if Im single or partnered...I am GOING to do this! :-)

Ok well, thats all. I'm exhausted-- still catching up on missed sleep from my NY trip.

peace and love